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Group 42-Sells Out! - The Information Archive
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Group 42 Sells Out (Group 42) (1996).iso
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men.txt
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1996-02-04
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50 Facts About Men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for
the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to
the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a
scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of
"rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a
world where there are more women than men, it pays to
recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that
if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in
trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and
if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone
in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man
during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if
he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They
can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one
under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has
one that is a combination address book, telescope and
piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart
of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a
fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it
personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave
enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.
Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have
two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two
types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a
man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two
inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right,"
if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits
get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier
and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He
just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I
asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said,
"Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you...
I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid
marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example:
"Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other
side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the
lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home
Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how
complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when
she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women
do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need
men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help
us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels
tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like
monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.